I just keep thinking that my life is one line after another. I have to wait to use the bathroom in the morning. Have to wait in line for food. Have to wait to get my check. Have to wait to cash the check. Have to wait to have full rights as a citizen. Have to wait to find the one. Have to wait to do what I want. Have to wait …..to die?
And this is something that I realized this morning. Each one of us. Documented or not. Poor or rich. Sad or happy….you get the point. We will expire. There will be a time when we take that last breath and move on. To what nobody knows. But it is certain that we are going to die. It is a thought that scares me. I dread that moment and yet I realize it is going to come. It has to for each one of us. We are born with that destiny. When that moment comes I hope that I will be at peace and happy with my life and where it has gone. I hope that I can truly die with no regrets and close to God. I want to look forward to meeting those who have already passed. I guess faced with my own mortality I realize that we are all just waiting for that moment. And yet maybe the waiting can be made into something worthwhile.
I do try to stop myself from thinking about that because a certain sense of panic comes over me. I am not ready yet… I want to enjoy this moment. THIS very special moment in which I am sitting in a dusty office in front of a black phone typing a blog that I hope my boss does not find.
I just have to remind myself that I wanted to have this moment. That I am soooooo lucky to have this job. Who would have thought a year ago that I would be in this position. That I had to find the one office job where my supervisors are willing to look the other way on documentation and employ whoever they deem qualified.
And actualy my friend tells me that I may be a little too overqualified for this job. And maybe she is right. Maybe I should have a better job where I get paid 20 dollars an hour (that is going to be my cut off limit from now on) but maybe I belong here. A year ago I would have given anythign to have a job. Whatever job. Even for 5 dollars an hour doing hard manual labor. But now I see that it is possible and that I can work and so I start to get a little more picky about my next job options. And I suppose that is good. It is part of becomeing confident in myself and my abilities.
And I owe that confidence to having been able to obtain this job. I am truly thankful to be sitting here. With a bunch of billing to do but putting it aside to write this blog. I am thankful that I have law school because I have something to wait for…and to look forward to…..
I am between stages in so many ways….but I guess i do belong in this in between space…
THANK YOU FOR THIS MOMENT