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At this time. In this moment. I have been in my cacoon for way to long. It feels comfortable, but cramped. I can imagine myself flying. In fact sometimes I almost feel like I am. Like I am floating around in the sky my wings expanded my life so wonderful. Free. Free at last. This is only of course my very limited idea about what flying feels like. I am not completly clueless about it. However, maybe flying feels completly different than what I think it feels like.
Soon, I will be able to try flying for real. I feel happy about it because I know that in so many ways my world will open up. Yet a certain anxiety is coming my way. It is not that I am not prepared. I have been ready. I am ready. But what if my idea of flying is not completly accurate and I do not anticipate some things for which I should be ready?
Enough with the metaphors. As you probably guessed. I have an appointment with a certain bureaucratic agency. The issue will be resolved then. As of late, I have started to feel physically ill and paranoid.
I think it is because I am anxious about the whole ordeal. I also feel like maybe once this is resolved there will be other issues to worry about. At the moment the other issues I worry about are losing my health.
On saturday I felt so paranoid that I have a brain tumor. I had a crushing head ache that I felt signified something worse. Nevermind that I sometimes have these headaches and I think they are related to something that I eat. I think I just do not feel comfortable with the idea of being a “normal” American. It seems too easy. Too nice. Like maybe I can deal with more like maybe I should have to.

I plead with God and I still do not to let me die. I plead that I can enjoy flying. I have come so far and am so close to being able to reach my dreams. I pray that I do. That I am one of the lucky people to be able to say I dreamt a dream and then I lived it.

This is me getting ready for flight.


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