First let me say I know my writings are getting to far away from each other but it is because I am not sure what to write. I want to be a little more positive with this but I guess sometimes the negativity also comes out…anyway. I am trying to just keep this going. Trying to have an introspective. Also, I want to write about the great hope that obama represents for us dreamers so my blog does not seem like it is stuck in a vaccuum. I do pay attention to the news but I really do not know what to day about Obama. He brings me hope….but is that not what he does for everyone? I really hope he is able to deliver on that hope. But like I wrote before faith is a funny thing and maybe putting all faith in a man is not a great idea.
It takes its toll on you. Waiting. And hoping. Does. I did not think it did. I feel fine. I feel happy and so so lucky. But then again, there are times I wake up with extreme hope. And I think to myself today today is the day that everything changes. And nothing does. Or maybe I just cannot see the change and well then I am left with an empty feeling. And a great desire to sleep for days without end. Sometimes I think maybe it is just me or I am just tired. I get irritable quick and I have this great urge to cry all of the sudden.
It is unreasonable yes. Because sometimes I do not know where it came from where this huge emotion was stored. Because I try to be positive and not let my situation get in the way of anything. I know I can do anything if I only try. If I only desire it. If only want it. I can have it. And I am one hundred percent, completely sure about that.
But then. Wanting and hoping and fighting is hard work. It may not be obviously hard work. Like toiling out on the fields every day in the hot sun. Or taking on three jobs to feed a family. It may not require an excess of time or a special talent. But it does require energy.
Maybe that is why sometimes I want to find a bad and lay there for a very long time. Maybe that is why sometimes I want to get away from everyone and everything to a place where nobody recognizes me. I guess that is why sometimes it feels like I want to scream at the top of my lungs. It is hard work this wanting stuff.
It is hard work trying to hide disappointment from the world and from yourself. It does get tiring trying to live every day the hard way when you know there is an easier way. It is a little frustrating watching people waste their lives because they are unsure while you waste it waiting for a chance.
But oh well. Nothing left to do but take a huge breath and hand over all those worries to the giver. Knowing that The Giver knows the right time and place and will take care of it all.
So while all this emotion boils up inside of me. I will allow myself one night of rest and frustration. Tomorrow morning though will be a new day with a new chance and I guess that is reason enough to take a deep breath; smile and Thank God.