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i can still remember that feeling of despair and agony and joy all intertwined i felt when i was waiting for that one person to call. i kept looking at the phone willing it with my mind to ring and most of the time it never did. this left me with a grave feeling of emptiness inside. a little lump on my throat and millions of little tears that fell to the floor. i just wanted one phone call that only that one person could give me to change the way that i felt. after the diarrhea where all my hopes where literally purged out of me and the long runs to nowhere in which each bead of sweat was the faith i had n that person leaving my body, i felt strangely good.
and just when i had reached that moment. i got that phone call. the phone call that would make me smile and give me a giddy feeling in my heart. it was the phone call that put butterflies in my stomach and made them flutter. and on the other side of the phone it was his deep deep voice saying hello and giving me an instant smile on my face. all the expulsion my body had done forgotten. it was as if it had never happened. the energy inside my body completely changed into light that was then reflected in my eyes. that phone call always ended too early and then the purging process would begin once again.
that was the phone call that brought me hope when i thought i had none. it was then that i started to view hope as something evil. it was then that i would tell my friend a little bit of hope can kill. and i think at that point i actually did believe it. i would have rather rip it off as you would rip a band aid. fall into the abyss and then maybe come out of there a different person. instead i let the little bit of hope keep a maybe false illusion alive.
i am oddly reminded of this hope now. now that i wait for one piece of paper to change my life. i just cannot give up the idea that i am meant to be in this country and to be happy in this country. sometimes i do lose hope. and then something happens that makes me think i am meant to be here and my situation is just one prayer away from being resolved. and so i go back to praying and hoping and believing that my life will change. sometimes i do just want to pick up and leave to a different land. i guess i am afraid that if i do not have a plan b; if i do not do it then i fear that somebody else will only they will not be gentle. they will dash all my hopes with one single stroke leaving me with nothing…
today, weirdly optimistic about the future. maybe i should not be. maybe a little bit of hope can kill. but i guess for today that hope is keeping me alive.


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