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I have some young ones running around my house so from time to time we put on a Disney movie to make them stop. Today it was Hercules. There is a song in the movie that talks about home. I will go most anywhere to find where I belong. I felt so connected to Hercules at this point. I just do not think that I have ever had a home. A house. Yes. Always. My family together. Yes. But I have never had a place where I have felt completely comfortable to do whatever I would like to do. I think part of the reason is that our place is rented and that I have had to share a room with my siblings for all of my life.

I just feel like I am ready to find that place. I am ready to feel like I belong somewhere, but I guess maybe that is too much to ask for when you are bi cultural.

I guess that is partly why I sometimes feel like a million little fragments that cannot be pieced together. It is appealing to think about, but sometimes its lonely and uncomfortable. Sometimes I just need a place to get away and think, but often that place is hard to come by. Everywhere I go in my house there are people. And even with all of them around it can still get lonely. It can still get frustrating and mostly it can get rest less. I just need one place where I can retire to so that I can collect my thoughts and regain my composure. A place that I can leave whatever I want wherever I want it and not have my mother tell me to clean it up or to put it away. I just need a place where I can paint the walls black because the landlord will not mind. I just need a place to call my own. I know that sounds cheesy but it is a feeling that I have discovered within myself. The need to be reckless or productive in a space that nobody can take away from me. And the search for this is not easy.

Maybe it is partly because I am in my early twenties that I feel this way, or maybe it is because of my status as an immigrant. Or maybe it is because of the way that this society is set up. Or maybe it is all of the above, or maybe it is none of the above.

Like I said I would go most anywhere to find….

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