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I feel like I cannot get my life started. Especially when people ask me what is it that you do. Then I have to reflect on my life and reflect on what it is that I truly do, and most of the time the only answer I can come up with is nothing. I feel lazy saying that. As if cleaning a house, learning how to cook, looking for scholarships, and getting my life in order were not enough. And I try to explain all this to them, but I still know what they are thinking….

I feel the same way having to explain to people why I do not drive. Sometimes I will just go with because gas is too high or because I am lazy. But I know what they are thinking. What a loser. Heck, that is what I would think.

I just want to tell them that I do have goals that I do have ambitions. That at the moment I have to wait a little bit to fulfill them and that maybe in the near future I will be able to start my life as a lawyer. I am in at one of the best law schools in the country and sometimes mentioning that changes the look in their eyes like, “oh, maybe she is not lazy after all”. At that instant I want to yell at them and tell them that I would already be started with my career would it not be for the fact that I am undocumented, that the US government is not willing to give me even the least bit of help. They will not give me any money and that is understandable, but I am not even allowed to work for a decent pay so that I can pay of the ridiculous amount of money it takes to go to law school.

I feel bad knowing that I have to validate my life by explaining that I got into a good law school. What if I had not? What if I no longer had that option? Would people then keep looking at me like some loser that just wants to mooch off the system? I think so. I hate that look dammit I hate that look. And I hate that I care about the look. I want to so much just enjoy my life. The time I have at home because it is time that I am never getting back. At the same time though I care about what people think, and I also sometimes do not feel productive. I feel like I need to start doing something anything to make my life worthwhile.

Even dating or finding new friends is hard in this situation because there are always all those questions. What will I tell them when they ask? What will I say when I tell them that I do not drive? What if I just tell them the truth, can I trust them? Will they be able to handle my secret? It is just better not to make those type of connections. I guess a little bit like hiding. But sometimes it gets so lonely. Sometimes I just want to talk to somebody that understands and nobody seems to.

I cannot even imagine my life being different. I cannot imagine actually moving out of my house to go to law school. I just cannot. And that worries me because for some reason it makes me feel as if I am limiting myself and what I can do and becoming content with what I do have. I do not want to give up the fight. I do not.

It is on days like these that I ask God for faith because sometimes my faith waivers. For strength because I can slowly feel myself getting weaker. And for peace because there is an inner turmoil inside of me which I do not know how to handle. And God does usually answer. So I guess this is my prayer to God and I await an answer.


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