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I was not sure if I loved him. I thought about him enough. When things went wrong, he is the first person I wanted to call up. When things went right I always wanted to text him. And yet. I was not sure. Maybe it was just the idea of him that I loved. The idea of such an intellectual person and his deep voice. I fell in love with him even before I met him. I started to talk to him on the phone and the first night we talked for hours. Since then I always wanted to talk. When we did finally meet, my stomach tightened with butterflies, but nothing came of that meeting. It has been a long long time since then and yet I still do not know if it is love. If it was ever love.

I can think of plenty of flaws he has. He is short. A little on the heavy side. He is not ambitious enough or maybe he is just too lazy. He drinks a lot. But yet I seem to forget every single one of those things when I talk to him.

The worst flaw is that he did not choose me. He has a girlfriend. One that is beautiful, kind, smart, talented, and very willing to build a life with him. And he chose her. Even when he knew me, he chose her. I must admit that did hurt my pride a little bit. It also hurt my hopes. I wanted to be with him. Maybe not forever because maybe he does have one too many flaws, but I did want to be with him for a while and now I do not think that I can ever have him.

So how do you let go of someone whom your not exactly sure you love? How do you just let go of a person when you have not seen them more than five times in your life? How do you stop wanting the calls and the attention? How do you just stop?

This is exactly the created drama that I do not need in my life. I KNOW what I have to do, but I just do not know how to do it. I do not know how not to answer the phone when he calls or how to say no when he asks to hang out.

And yet I know that in the grand scheme of things this is not important. I know that I have bigger things to worry about and so many dreams to consider. I know that later on in life I will find someone that is absolutely perfect. I cannot help but wonder though if I am going to always wonder what could have been.


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