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I am going to write something that my friends my find hurtful if they ever read. It is not meant to be hurtful, but I want people to know how my relationships are affected because I am undocumented.

I love my friends. They got me through a lot of college and a lot of them were there when I needed them. I like talking to them about about boys. I like talking to them about relationships. I like talking to them about sex. I like talking to them about crushes, shampoos, and tv shoes. It is stuff that allows me to get my mind off things. They are things that a person can easily learn to talk about, and they are subjects that are interesting.

I hope to be the kind of person that people can come to when they need to talk about real problems. What I hate though are invented problems that come along with relationships. When it becomes clear that someone is making things up in their head, well, it makes me want to not talk about it.

I do not know how to explain this. I feel that when a man in interested in a woman. The woman will know, and if not he is not really interested or he is not really mature enough. Speculating about interest is a waste of time in my opinion. Now, do not get me wrong sometimes I find myself speculating about certain boys myself, but I do not call up all my friends to try to analyze every single little word that he said. I feel it best to just let it be. When my friends call me up trying to get me analyze with them I will play a long for a little while but after two seconds I will become tired and I will just not want to deal with that conversation anymore.

The reason is that it gets me frustrated that here I am having to deal with whether me or one of my siblings or one of my parents will be deported. I have to worry every single day about my continued existence in this country and so having to worry about whether the fact that he said hi meant something seems so dam petty.

I guess I do not mean to trivialize feelings. I really do not, maybe I am a little jealous of that type of worries that they have. I am also grateful however that my life was, albeit forcefully, put into a perspective that allows me to just let some things go without analyzing.

I do feel however that I am a bad friend for not being able to talk about such nonsense and for trying to avoid phone calls from friend from time to time.

I feel bad because I am lonely sometimes and I think that maybe if I was more willing and open to talk to people about that kind of stuff….
but then I remember that nobody is really going to understand me or what I am going through; is it selfish to want somebody to? Is it weak to need a friend?


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