I see your life right now so perfectly routined.
But is this what you had imagined happiness to be?
I see you are a dreamer waiting to become
but dreams are power that the world likes to play with
making you believe that dreaming is wonderful
and then ridiculing those dreams
The world is not made for dreamers
the real revolution is trying to exist
Surviving drugs,doubt, negativity, alcohol, trauma
and a million other things
I see that little boy trying to become
stifled by the man’s fear.
I see a dreamer awoken by the harsh reality
I told you that the world is not meant for dreamers
I see the inner struggle going on.
I hear the screams of your insides
drowned by the comforts of today.
I see you. I believe in what you want to be
and yet you have let go
defeated by what you are
and its not a pleasant sight
the world is full of people
that were at one point dreamers
trying to become
the society chokes us until
we throw up every single
dream we have
the real revolution is trying to exist
and learning how to dream
even when we stop believing
we must keep on dreaming
because the real revolution
is not an abstract thing
it is us dreaming and becoming
what we dream
I see you. I know you.
You are me and I am you.
We are meant to dream
that is what God intended
Let us keep on fighting.
At this time. In this moment. I have been in my cacoon for way to long. It feels comfortable, but cramped. I can imagine myself flying. In fact sometimes I almost feel like I am. Like I am floating around in the sky my wings expanded my life so wonderful. Free. Free at last. This is only of course my very limited idea about what flying feels like. I am not completly clueless about it. However, maybe flying feels completly different than what I think it feels like.
Soon, I will be able to try flying for real. I feel happy about it because I know that in so many ways my world will open up. Yet a certain anxiety is coming my way. It is not that I am not prepared. I have been ready. I am ready. But what if my idea of flying is not completly accurate and I do not anticipate some things for which I should be ready?
Enough with the metaphors. As you probably guessed. I have an appointment with a certain bureaucratic agency. The issue will be resolved then. As of late, I have started to feel physically ill and paranoid.
I think it is because I am anxious about the whole ordeal. I also feel like maybe once this is resolved there will be other issues to worry about. At the moment the other issues I worry about are losing my health.
On saturday I felt so paranoid that I have a brain tumor. I had a crushing head ache that I felt signified something worse. Nevermind that I sometimes have these headaches and I think they are related to something that I eat. I think I just do not feel comfortable with the idea of being a “normal” American. It seems too easy. Too nice. Like maybe I can deal with more like maybe I should have to.
I plead with God and I still do not to let me die. I plead that I can enjoy flying. I have come so far and am so close to being able to reach my dreams. I pray that I do. That I am one of the lucky people to be able to say I dreamt a dream and then I lived it.
This is me getting ready for flight.
I want to keep writing this blog. but I have been busy with work and have not wanted to post at work. Today I decided to break the rule and do it anyway because I am very bored. So maybe you will see more posts by me.
I do not know if this happens to anybody else. The fact that we feel like we need somebody else to be happy. Somebody else to succeed. Somebody else to provide us with what we do not have. It is this feeling of not being able to do it on our own. It is this desire to constantly be searching for a partner to help us through…
But when it comes down to it…We are here…where we are…
Along the way there are poeple that help and that pay their own price. I know that I just wrote about that…but ultimately it us that have to follow through. Ultimately nobody else is going to step up and be great for you. It is something that we have to accomplish on our own. And I guess this realization comes as we understand that God is with us and we are enough.
It is just amazing the ways that God will helps us along the way. She or he will put people or situations in our path that will help us get farther and farther and ultimately reach our goal. All this to say that we should not force relationships that were not meant to be for fear of being alone. For fear that without the other person we will not get far enough.
Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson
it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
—Marianne Williamson
Let us stop being afraid of ourselves. Of our power of being happy with what we are and with what he have.
I write this last line with a little bit of reluctance because it sounds like some new age bullshit advice I am giving. That is not what I meant to say at all. I just wanted whoever read this if anybody reads this to realize how very special and capable you are. And even as I am writing this I think about the things that I have accomplished without the help of that one savior.
True sometimes I wish that prince charming would just come and wisk me away. My prince charming is of course rich and he would help me with every single one of my financial problems including the big one that I have right now: paying for law school. Prince charming unfortunately, is taking a long time to show up.
In his absense I have to get up everyday at 5:30 AM to take two buses to go to work. I have to make myself write self absorbed essays about how great I am in order for some random scholarship comitte to find me worthy enough of receiving some aid. I have to beg people that I admire for letters about my competence. It is a process that as you can guess I do not like and find a little bit immodest. Alas, I do it because in the absense of my savior I have to be enough. And I am enough.
A long time ago I came to realization that everything in life comes at a cost. I do not know if this is true for everyone as Paris Hilton seems to have the perfect life. Well, I guess thinking about it she is under the public eye all the time, but she seems to kind of enjoy this no? Anyway, I am getting off track. Everything in my life has come at a cost. It is a little like a zero-sum game for me. Like if I have one thing I cannot have the other.
I think it started with me thinking of high school. I had to have perfect grades. At what cost? Well, at the cost of my social life. I did nothing but study for the longest time. I did not go out with my friends. In fact, the only time I hung out with friends was when we were in the tutoring room doing homework. I did not have a job. I did not have a car. I did not go to dances. A lot of you can probably figure out why most of these things were not so easy for me to do. Yes, it is because of my status. Sometimes I stop to wonder…if I had been born in the US would I be here at this point…almost always I think no.
Then I think that because of the way that we get tracked throughout school, I enjoyed certain privileges. I was able to go into honors and AP classes which in turn boosted my GPA to the point that I was able to go to a great liberal arts college with a lot of my tuition paid off. At what cost? Well, my brother not being quite as studious as me was not tracked into AP classes, in fact, he was tracked into the mechanics and agriculture programs and into the lower math classes. My brother is a lot brighter then me, but yet I am the one with a BA. Maybe it is because of the fact that he is was always ansy as a male. That he resisted being told that Mexicans were inferior through rebellion while I on the other hand resisted through becoming more determined and studious…but again I digress ( I will however write about this later).
It is because I think about my life that I think that we are never going to be able to obtain paper work in the United States if we do not pay a price. And I think this week I found out something that may just be payment enough.
My dad has started to talk about the American Dream. He keeps coming home from work exhausted after working a lot of hours….he just says this is your American Dream. this is what the dream is. And I think about it and it is true. For immigrants that is the American Dream…to toil in the fields for little pay with possibly little time to rest or even go to the bathroom just so their children have a chance to maybe go to school. The children however are often stuck in classes in which teachers call them stupid and where their learning style is not honored…yes, even the American Dream comes at a cost. And I guess my dad through his experience in the United States learned something that I was told in my Chicano Studies classes.
yes, the American Dream always comes at a cost. Because even as a man wrote that “all men are created equal” there were people out there that had to pay for this equality. All men were able to be equal and free and able to persue of happiness at the expense of all the women and slaves that stood behind them. The American Dream is a pricey one ….it is one that the population of young black males in prison is paying so that middle class white kids can have the space and classes to go to college. It is the price that Mexicans toiling in the fields all day have to pay so that America can have food at sustainable prices. It is paid for by the dreams and hopes of young immigrant couples having to give up their country, language, culture, lives so that their children can maybe one day grow up and say that they have been accepted to a prestigious law school.
I am not saying this as a suggestion that I am going to give everything I have up because someone else had to pay for it….it is a realization that if someone else paid for me to have this then i sure as heck have to enjoy it and take care of it…even though it scares me to death to think that maybe one day I will be out of law school with an insurmountable amount of debt and no job.
I have to do it…because even 200,000 dollars does not compare to the price someone already paid for me to get here.
I was reading dreamactactivest.org and there is this story about a guy and his five siblings. he talks about the reasons that he wants to get a jd/mpa….this makes me realize that I am not the only law student/ dreamer around here. I want to know more of you so please leave a comment. Even if you are not yet in law school but about to get there like me please let me know because I hear law school is pretty hard.
or if youa re still considering it….or whatever….well start a little law student dreamer extraordinaire type of network!
With the coming of the new year it is becoming abundantly clear that the day for me to leave home and head to law school is getting extremely close and well, i still do not even know if I have the money to go BUT I AM GOING TO GO. to hell with putting my life on hold for one more year. yes, I will do whatever it takes to go. This is what determination looks like people. I already passed the hard part…getting into a top ten law school… finding the money should be no problem…
…so this is where the plea comes in…if you find any scholarships or any money out there for which i might be able to qualify PLEASE POST THE LINK AS A COMMENT. who knows others might be reading this and find the links and get some money out of it.
so there you go that is my plea.
As I get older I keep thinking about all the potential we are born with. I think about all the hopes and dreams that are placed upon us as children. I think about eventually getting those hopes and dreams ourselves. When we are kids we think we can be anything. Astronaut, singer, actress, teacher, lawyer, doctor, fairy, hair-stylist, veterinarian, pediatrician, journalist…the list goes on and on. We really do not ever stop to think that maybe it is impossible to be those things. As we grow older reality starts to hit. The fact that we have to grow up and pay rent and live daily life makes it really hard to keep on dreaming. It makes it really hard to think that we can have a well paying job when we are stuck working for minimum wage at place we do not enjoy. Daily life just kind of takes over and we do not ever reach all those hopes and dreams that we had as children.
It makes me a little sad to think about this and to know that practical life can sometimes take over and we stop dreaming and we never fulfill the promise inside of us. But each one of us does have a promise and it is never too late to try to reach that. and I for one am thankful for that thought.
i had to work today. It sucked because I wanted to be home all cozy in my bed. That is why I am not writing as much because of this job. I hardly have time.
Sometimes I feel so alone and hopeless. And I have been feeling increasingly like that more and more. Feeling as if I am always going to be in this situation. LIKE NOTHING is ever going to change. feeling as if why should it. why do I need my situation to change when my life is fine. Why am I complaining if I have everything I need. I just want to make my life a little bit easier okay that was a little rant
many many people go over there to my job to ask for jobs. I know a lot of them do not have any documents but they still keep trying. Even after being informed that applications are many and chances of being hired are few they keep going. It makes me want to count my blessings.
None of us are entitled to anything but we do all deserve a chance and that is all most people are asking for. So today on Christmas Eve I count my blessings. I am thankful for my job. Thankful for my family. Thankful for the hope I have. Thankful for the people that are reading this and are feeling the same way. Thankful for the people that share their life so we can feel like we are not alone. We really are not.
I commend every single one of the dreamers out there that are fighting for their dream. Who right now are stuck working at restaurants or as gardeners but who know that they deserve better and keep on working every day with humility to get what they deserve. I commend all the people that will not give up even when the situation is deem. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be visible yet but it is there and I hope we all will reach it and those of you that see it now keep reminding us all that it is there sometimes we need that reminder.
And yes I realize that I am commending myself. and I am. I realize that every single one of my accomplishments: graduating from college, getting into law school; having a job. All of those things are amazing. so pat in the back for me 
.
What is amazing about being in this situation is that I feel a common bond with so many people. Just knowing that we are going through the same thing makes me feel a kinship. I know when I am out of this situation I will not forget the hard work it took and the people that are still working hard and I will continue to be thankful for it all.
And with that surge of positivity I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. And all the prosperity and hope for the New Year.
First let me say I know my writings are getting to far away from each other but it is because I am not sure what to write. I want to be a little more positive with this but I guess sometimes the negativity also comes out…anyway. I am trying to just keep this going. Trying to have an introspective. Also, I want to write about the great hope that obama represents for us dreamers so my blog does not seem like it is stuck in a vaccuum. I do pay attention to the news but I really do not know what to day about Obama. He brings me hope….but is that not what he does for everyone? I really hope he is able to deliver on that hope. But like I wrote before faith is a funny thing and maybe putting all faith in a man is not a great idea.
It takes its toll on you. Waiting. And hoping. Does. I did not think it did. I feel fine. I feel happy and so so lucky. But then again, there are times I wake up with extreme hope. And I think to myself today today is the day that everything changes. And nothing does. Or maybe I just cannot see the change and well then I am left with an empty feeling. And a great desire to sleep for days without end. Sometimes I think maybe it is just me or I am just tired. I get irritable quick and I have this great urge to cry all of the sudden.
It is unreasonable yes. Because sometimes I do not know where it came from where this huge emotion was stored. Because I try to be positive and not let my situation get in the way of anything. I know I can do anything if I only try. If I only desire it. If only want it. I can have it. And I am one hundred percent, completely sure about that.
But then. Wanting and hoping and fighting is hard work. It may not be obviously hard work. Like toiling out on the fields every day in the hot sun. Or taking on three jobs to feed a family. It may not require an excess of time or a special talent. But it does require energy.
Maybe that is why sometimes I want to find a bad and lay there for a very long time. Maybe that is why sometimes I want to get away from everyone and everything to a place where nobody recognizes me. I guess that is why sometimes it feels like I want to scream at the top of my lungs. It is hard work this wanting stuff.
It is hard work trying to hide disappointment from the world and from yourself. It does get tiring trying to live every day the hard way when you know there is an easier way. It is a little frustrating watching people waste their lives because they are unsure while you waste it waiting for a chance.
But oh well. Nothing left to do but take a huge breath and hand over all those worries to the giver. Knowing that The Giver knows the right time and place and will take care of it all.
So while all this emotion boils up inside of me. I will allow myself one night of rest and frustration. Tomorrow morning though will be a new day with a new chance and I guess that is reason enough to take a deep breath; smile and Thank God.
Thank you!
